They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
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Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
subtitles are so good nowadays
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I’m not stressed
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it