Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
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My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Mornin
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
🤭😂
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.