When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
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7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Milk Cube
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip