me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT