parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer