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A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?