I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.