Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her