standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is