Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
this is what they would have looked like, though
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
wishing you and yours all the best
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
sigh