WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
For cardio I live beyond my means.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Perfect
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)