You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.