Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.