My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
You Might Also Like
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…