Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
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Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?