It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Who.
Did.
This?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me buying fruit and veg
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.