Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
You Might Also Like
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please