I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Pretty much! 😂👀
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.