My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
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[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.