[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.