It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
You Might Also Like
Well, that should do it
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?