Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
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“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
This is the coolest video you will see today.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants