911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
The sacred texts.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.