Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
You Might Also Like
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before