Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
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Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties