Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.