Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
only 11 steps left
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.