Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
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“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Time for evil
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.