She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
You Might Also Like
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.