Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I have so many questions.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid