What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
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Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Confused owl: What?!
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon