Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
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WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
absolutely not
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
The smoothest fall of all time
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.