Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*