Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
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I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
*sewing*
A thread
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
My whole life was a lie.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath