Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
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Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq