*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead