1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
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I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Good dog. ❤️
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.