I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
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Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke