I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe