Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh