Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
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It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
This kid will have a bright future.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing