It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?