love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
#Caturday
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee