I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
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Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
smh
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.