Today’s weather from Yorkshire
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Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*