grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
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Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.