what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
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Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you