Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
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Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Sharon I have some bad news
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?