We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Happy Friday
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo