Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
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[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.